Drug Dealer Date

I had kept him waiting for two hours. Definitely not the best of mannerism for a first date. I felt deeply sorry as I rushed through Moi Avenue and even more penitent when I got to the café and realized how uncomfortable he must have been, dawdling in that hot, humid and uncomfortably crowded room.

We had met on Tinder and talked a lot before planning to meet two months later. Out of all my matches on the casual dating app, I liked how consistent, persistent and charming he seemed. I was eager to meet this man who went by the alias Your Future.

He managed a smile and a hug. Unfortunately, the wrath in his eyes was as evident as a lighthouse at sea.

“I’m sorry I’m late. My errands took longer than expected,” I said whilst smiling, too hard perhaps, to elate my date.

After exchanging pleasantries, I suggested that we head upstairs to the lounge, which was usually quieter and lavished with a pampering breeze.

“So tell me a little about you,” I asked as I drew my glass of wine closer.

“There’s nothing to tell. I’m easier to figure out with time,” he said.

“Okay. What do you enjoy then?”

“Mmh…music. Mostly solitude,” he said.

Wait…is this the man I have been chatting with online? Who has replaced Mr. Charming Persistent with Mr. Cold Dry? I thought.

His shoulder-up was a masterpiece of creation. Amazing brown eyes. Bald and bearded. His smile…have you ever met someone whose smile was so mind blowing that when they smile you find yourself smiling too, like a retard? But as the conversation went on, getting more drily by the minute, all his goodness flickered into the image of a red devil with six horns and a chainsaw tearing through my emotional capacity.

“You look like the no nonsense type. The kind that does not take shit. Which is intimidating to men,” he said.

“I do? Wow. I hate that that would be the first thing anyone would notice about me,” I said, my voice gradually shifting from a mumble to a whisper.

“So why are you single?”

“I simply haven’t met anyone who has made me feel the urge to get off the market.”

“You know, we are very much alike. On my free time I smoke some weed. You should try it,” he said.

“I have never tried weed. I have an uncle who does a lot of it and right now he is far from sane. He actually quit his job and has since befallen some Rastafarian religion where the answer to everything is Jah will provide,” I responded.

“That’s laced weed. I’ll provide you with the good stuff. Trust me. Besides, I think you need it.”

I need it? Ha. Okay! Don’t you know me so well already, I thought distastefully.

“No, thanks.”

“You have trust issues, don’t you? Weed will help you,” he retorted.

“You’re making me feel like I have issues,” I said.

“No way! What I am saying is…” Blah blah…yada yada…what followed was advice on how I should loosen up and smoke some weed.

I sat there looking like a painting taped to a wall. Helpless and stuck. I really can’t explain why I didn’t fake a seizure or walk away at least. Eventually, it got to a point where we had nothing to say and the date ended anesthetically. We haven’t spoken since.

Technology served me beautifully and generously a few years ago, as far as dating was concerned. What happened to the first date being all about having fun? Or enjoying each other’s company till the food runs cold? In my perspective, the experience while on a date should resemble that of visiting a museum. You feast your eyes to diversity. Explore the beauty of the mind of others. Enjoy. Learn. Make helpful and powerful connections.

What gives anyone the right to call out another person on what you think is wrong with them? Someone you’ve only known for a hot minute. And even recommend what they should smoke up to level up to your definition of normal? That’s just rude. And with that said Tinder is whack!

I definitely want to hear your online dating experience and/or weird date stories. Share!