Television life aside, some of you are living your very own soap operas with exes whose insanity runs from showing up at your door step with a million and something apologies, love songs or poems. How about that one who is bombarding your office desk with roses and gifts? Then there is the other one who should be blacklisted by mobile service providers for the endless phone calls, texts and voice messages. Also, there is the good Samaritan type who do monthly shopping and are more than willing to buy a house and/or take care of your children whether theirs or not. We dare not forget the wild, venomous ones. These are the exes we all either hate and have or hate to have. They besmirch you on the internet, at the office, midst your friendship circles. Everyone knows everything that is wrong with you as far as spousal duties is concerned.
*Brandon, a calm guy in his early 30’s had the worst of 2012 thanks to his ex. Theirs was a bad break and following futile efforts to get him to take her back, she resulted to downloading his call and text records. She was an employee of a famous telecommunication company in Africa and thus got access to the records, regardless of the legal consequence of her behavior. She would also visit him, dressed in a way he found provocative then leave her belonging at his premises. On seeing that her hard work was not amounting to any pay, she asked to be friends with benefits (FWB).
“I am naturally a good guy. I was pestered and forced to be mean for a year,” *Brandon lamented.
*Juliana, a prominent human resource manager in Nakuru Town, had the ideal stalker of an ex. He paid her watchman at home to notify him whenever another man visited and the time she left the premises and/or returned.
“For five years he has sent intimidating messages, lonely ones or random invites to his parents’ home. I find it very disrespectful,” she said.
*Irene, in her 20’s, is healing from a traumatizing experience which lasted for six months. Imagine the ex who shows up at every party you are in then tries to act ‘relationship’ with you. Young hot blood needs space to boil, especially at a party flocking with singles.
“I felt suffocated.”
*Eric, in his mid- 20’s, explained how his ex-girlfriend would call his mother pleading her to ‘reconcile’ them. She still blows up his phone with phone calls and texts up to date. He wishes that there was a way he could stop her because he has moved on and cannot ruin futuristic chance at love over a sour past.
“I feel honored but embarrassed or sometimes…guilty.”
Such clingy exes are usually trying to relay a certain message. It could be all or some of the following:
Their self-esteem is at floor level.
It is such nothingness that they does not see themselves worth finding someone new to love them. People with self-esteem issues can be such trouble to handle. In their eyes, life is all about bitterness, anger, self-pity, overcompensation and paranoia.
Regret and guilt gnaw at their soul.
They took you for granted and disrespected you. Perhaps you have children together. The ex was rarely there for the children. Now that you are no longer in the picture, they miss you and guilt is tormenting them. Sticking around you tames the harshness entwined with regret. They would rather do good things for you to soothe pangs of the what ifs and the should haves.
You are their obsession.
They eat you, drink you, smell you, and live you. If you remember Lisa from the movie Obsessed featuring Beyoncé Knowles and Idris Elba, you get an idea of what being someone’s obsession means. And this, my friend, is a mental problem that needs professional help.
First Love Syndrome on parole.
The first cut is the deepest, no doubt. I remember my first heartbreak, I stayed in bed and cried, waiting for him to come back in a white horse and ride away into paradise with me. Yeah…a little like what Alejandro did for Paloma.
They are scared of loneliness.
The Bible says that we were made for each other hence need one another. Once in a while, we all need to sleep and wake up to another heart beat besides ours. Perhaps need to come home to someone after a long day at work.
They cannot let you have an easy way out.
This is why they are trashing your name on Twitter and leaking those steamy videos you made together on YouTube. At this point, Adobe Creative Suite is their best friend and your worst enemy.
My take?
Every place where the bus stops, someone has to get off. When someone’s time with you is up, let it be. In fact , do everything in your power to cut them off. They had their time with you and wasted it, end of story. File a restraining order against them if you have to. Heck, even shift to another area if you can. You could also do it *Brandon’s way; set clear boundaries in a firm but friendly way, cut contact with the friends you and your ex had in common, clear all their things from your place and take care of the child peacefully and responsibly.
Moreover, bear in mind that anyone who is uncomfortable being alone will rarely be comfortable with you in their life. Suggest that they get a pet. In that way there will be two heartbeats in bed; theirs and the cat’s. Parrots are good too. We can all agree that the bigger percentage of who we are is built on our background and upbringing. Therefore bitter, vengeful people usually have some resentment brooding from a past which if you are not psychologically or emotionally cut out to handle, you’d better leave it for the professionals to handle. Because when you decide to buckle up to their baggage and be their arm –chair therapist you will end up drained or just like them. A drowning man pulls you in with him.
The experts’ take?
According to Gary Criag, the mind behind Emotional Freedom techniques (EFT), negative emotions spread negative energy. Therefore is essential to detox from the negative emotions involved with an ex to be positively open to fresh relationships.
According to Dr. John Marsden of the United Kingdom’s National Addiction Center, love is a game of the mind and hormones. First love being the icebreaker, it has to be overwhelming. The effects can fade if you think it.
Cecilia Kavita, a family and marital therapist based in Nairobi, added that some exes are afraid to move on due to financial dependency. She recommended psycho education which will help the clinging individual understand oneself, the relationship dynamics and why it is unhealthy to cling on unhealthy relationship. She also recommended psychotherapy aka cognitive behavioral therapy. This generally helps the individual change their thinking and perception, uncover the motivations and fears associated with their thoughts and behavior then help the person learn to relate to self and others in way that adds value to self.
“Personality assessment and analysis will also help the individual to understand their personality traits and encourage them to cling on their positive traits but not on the self-defeating traits that cause them pain and frustration. Personal coaching can help the individual face life with more self-respect, explore and maximize their potential hence reduce the dependency syndrome. Livelihood empowerment can help reduce dependency if combined with psychotherapy and coaching, as it will help in improving self-differentiation and bring the realization that one can also meet their needs,” she added.
As I wrap up this issue about clingy exes, remember to let your head speak louder than your heart. You cannot joyride on their generosity and weakness any longer. The next time your ex shows up at your door wearing that ‘I hoped you would see my face and that you would be reminded that for me, it is not over’ look, you know what to conclude and how to act. Happy living!
PUBLISHED: http://tinyurl.com/heqv93h
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Smart, Reality checks.